theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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