I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
