I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
