so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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