You smell like stripper and shame
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
