Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
