I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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