I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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