Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.