im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.