Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
