You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
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don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
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First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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