Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
