new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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