I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
