Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
