He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
