I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
