Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
