Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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