So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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