so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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