NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
