Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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