I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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