I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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