Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
