My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
