Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
