at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
