My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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