I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
