So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
