o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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