Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
