Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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