Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
