Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
