i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
3pm strippers are depressing
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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