there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
