Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
