I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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