Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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