My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
