I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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