Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
