Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
