Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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