____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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