If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
the day after is always just damage control
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
