fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
