I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
