I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
