Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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