once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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