My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
