I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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