I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
