Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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