I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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