I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
