Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Too much gin, very little bucket
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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