Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
